[0:00] Most people say they would rather be respected than liked, but most people act

[0:06] as if they would rather be liked than respected. I'm Rusty Gaillard, and this is Do Something Different, a leadership podcast for smart, high-achieving, ambitious, successful business people. I'm going to dive right in and give you five questions you can ask yourself about where you lean on the spectrum of being liked or respected. There's no right answer to this, and I encourage you to be honest as you reflect on these questions. The first question is about feedback. When you notice something about another person's performance, which are you more likely to do? Talk to them and give them direct feedback about things that they could do differently in order to be more effective? Or avoid the conversation either keeping to yourself or talking about that person behind their back with someone else? I've recorded a whole podcast on how to give effective feedback and to make a commitment to be the kind of person who gives feedback go listen to that episode if you want to dig more deeply on that but that is the first question are you the kind of person who gives direct pointed feedback in order to help people grow and be more successful or do you avoid it either by keeping to yourself or by talking to someone else about that person.

[1:21] Here's a second question about assessing whether you would rather be liked or respected. When there's a conversation going on and you have a different opinion based, different opinion than the preponderance of the momentum behind in the room, what do you do? Do you keep your mouth shut and go along with what other people are saying? Or do you disagree and offer a counter opinion? This is an important one. We all have worked in big corporations where there is energy that moves people towards a certain way of thinking. Are you going to go along with that energy and be a part of that? Are you going to just fall in line? Or are you going to disagree and share an opinion?

[2:01] I just recorded the episode just prior to this one is about how not to be stupid at work. And there are seven factors that make people stupid. If you haven't listened to that, go listen to it. because it breaks down seven very common situations at work that make people operate at less than their best. More likely to go along with something rather than disagree and express opinion. Go listen to that. But for this purpose, answer that question. Which are you more likely to do? Go along or disagree? Because going along is much more about being liked. Disagreeing is about respect. Third question. How assertive are you? Do you tend to ask for permission in order to do something new or to tackle a new project? Or are you decisive? Do you make the decision? Do you go forward and take action and then go back and inform other stakeholders of what you've done? There's a whole spectrum about how assertive you are. Again, another podcast episode directly about this. But where are you on that spectrum of how assertive you are? Are you the kind of permission oriented person? Or are you the kind of person who takes action and then informs others what you have done.

[3:08] Fourth question for you to reflect on whether you lean more toward being liked or respected. When there is a situation and it's questionable about what your role is or whether you should be participating or involved, do you lean towards saying yes or do you lean towards saying no? Most people have the experience of being invited to a meeting, being asked for their opinion on something, being invited to participate on a project, to be involved in some way. And in those situations, when you're asked by someone and there's that little tingling nug in your brain saying, I'm not sure this really makes sense for me, are you more likely to say yes or no? Fifth question for you. In a situation where your team is doing some work and it's not quite up to standard, what are you more likely to do? Are you more likely to pick up the slack and do the work or give them very specific directions on how to do it and raise the level of performance? Or are you more likely to hold them accountable? You're more likely to tell them that the work they're delivering is not up to par and send them back to go fix it. Where are you in that situation? How much do you hold people accountable?

[4:19] I just give you five simple questions to walk through to help you assess, do you lean more towards being liked at work or do you lean more towards being respected at work? And it's not that these two things are mutually exclusive. You can be both liked and respected. You can certainly be assertive, hold people accountable, be direct with people, and still be kind. And I believe that is the best path forward. But most of us at work lean one way or the other. More towards my biases towards I want to be liked versus my biases towards I want to be respected. And I think the biggest downfall that I see in a lot of leaders is leaning towards being liked. And they believe that being assertive or disagreeing or giving feedback or saying no or holding someone accountable is going to make them make others not like them. And so they avoid those situations. Let's face it, humans are social beings. That is one of the reasons we are successful as a species. It's because we're social, we're collaborative, we work with each other. It's why we are able to be as successful as we are as a human organism.

[5:27] But that bias that we have that's built into our DNA carries forward into the work environment and often makes us less effective. Because in a situation that we deem to be risky because it brings conflict or disagreement to the table, most people tend to avoid it. And that is the slippery slope of going down this path of being liked rather than being respected.

[5:53] People earn respect by knowing how to constructively handle disagreement, conflict, accountability, saying no, being assertive. These are skills that good leaders have.

[6:08] If you want to improve your ability to be respected rather than liked, think about these five categories. Number one, giving feedback. When you see something in another person that justifies feedback, where you can help, where you can add value, you can help them to be more effective, even when it's pointing out something they're not doing well, lean into that, give them the feedback. That's a way to earn respect. Number two, when you have an opinion that's contrary to what others are saying, express it. Don't just keep your mouth shut and go along. Voice your opinions. Respected leaders have an opinion and they express it.

[6:47] Number three, be more assertive. Don't wait for others to make decisions. Don't rely on others to make decisions. Don't depend on others' approval for your projects. Be assertive. Make a decision. Move forward. Take action and inform others. bring them along in the process, but don't depend on them for your progress. Be more assertive. Respected leaders are assertive. Number four, learn to say no. When somebody asks you to participate in a meeting, when somebody asks you for a deliverable, when someone asks for your help, when they invite you to participate on a project, learn to say no. Respected leaders protect their time. Be one of those people who's protective of your time and only focus on the things that really help you and the company and your team advance. Number five, move up the ladder of accountability.

[7:40] When you ask someone on your team or someone else around you to deliver a work

[7:44] product and it does not meet expectations, get better at holding them accountable. Don't solve the problem for them. When you solve the problem for someone else, you deprive them of the opportunity to learn. respected leaders help others grow holding someone accountable is a way you help others grow.

[8:05] Just to share a little bit of a personal story, when my dad passed away about five years ago, one of the things I uncovered as I was going through his things was a package of letters that he had received upon his retirement from work. He was an executive at General Mills and worked there for 35 years, I think. And as his son, I can appreciate some of the comments that came back, which was some of the people said, you were the toughest manager I ever worked for. Other people described how angry he would get. But my dad was always fair. He always told people where they stood. He always gave them a chance to improve. He acknowledged when he was wrong. And he supported others in being successful. He was willing to take a bet on people. And he earned a huge amount of respect. I would wager, you know, I never worked with my dad, so I can't say this for sure. but I would wager that he was not very well liked at work. But he was highly respected because of the way he approached himself, the way he approached work, the way he handled himself, the way he interacted with other people. They knew exactly where they stood. He had very high standards and he communicated those clearly.

[9:21] Now, just a personal admission as his son, that was challenging. But as a coworker, I'm sure it was incredibly challenging and yet motivating and rewarding. And that was, I saw evidence of that in all of these letters that I saw from the people that worked with him. Very high praise of him for the standards, for the things they learned. Multiple people saying he was the most influential person they ever worked with in their career. It was very rewarding for me to read that about my dad, but it is a message about what it means to be respected.

[9:57] Learn to give feedback. clearly voice your opinion, be willing to disagree with people, be more assertive, learn to say no, hold people accountable. These are traits that respected leaders have. Figure out which one of those you can lean into this week. Think about a specific situation where you can apply it.

[10:18] If you think about now where you're going to apply this in the next three days, you are way more likely to use it than if you just file this away in your memory somewhere. Think about an application and do it differently. Because doing it differently is how you shape yourself as a leader, how you grow as a leader, and how you ultimately become more effective.